identity

the entrance of the three girls changed the whole atmosphere.
i felt frozen in my steps, these three walking towards me. the place suddenly felt unfamiliar.
i dreaded what would have to come next. a fake and awkward encounter of catching up.
it feels like i never left. it feels like ive been stuck here all along.
i thought i left it all behind with the rest of my childhood memories.
tucked away, dust building.
i act normal.
but she suddenly changes into a person i dont recognize.
someone that i wasnt just talking to.
the countenance turns hard.
she turns her back to me and takes a lit cigarette out of the other girl's hand.
she has total control over the situation.
no nerves show. confidence screams out of her stance.
she inhales.
and its over.
the transformation is complete.
yet it is over before it even started.
changed and back in the blink of an eye.


why do i not have a rebellious bone in my body?
it doesnt seem normal.

Prayer

Lord, hear my cries. my heart grieves Lord, more than ever before. help me to trust in you and your power. let me be faithful. i want to trust in your will and know that you are always in control. no matter how much my family suffers Lord please allow us not to stray away but grow faithfully in you. Give us wisdom and understanding. Let us truly love each other and be devoted to it. even when the other seems impossible to love, please help us pursue. we need you so badly Lord. we ache for you and your comfort. I know you have a plan. would your will be fulfilled and would you be glorified. let us honor you as one. there is a reason for all of us. i know you hear us i know you hear our pains. please take the hurt away. let him know how amazing your love is. please show your grace and mercy upon us. please help me not to cry anymore. help me to have a backbone and be wise when i speak to him. shine your light upon me. give me strength. As you have commanded in your word, i want to be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer. Humble both of them. please please humble them. take away the hurt in their hearts, make the anger disappear. would we learn to love as you have wanted us to love. please let us glorify you and honor you as children and parents. i know that this trial may go on for years and im afraid. i dont want it to. i want this all to go away. i dont want to hurt anymore. but i know you and i know you reign over all. so please, let me trust in you. guide me. keep anger and resentment away from my heart. you are so good God. you have been extremely good to our family. continue to bless us. please please give us wisdom. give me wisdom and help me to know how to deal with this and how to talk to him. Holy Spirit, work in his heart. open his eyes. as a family, i beg you, please dont let our faith fall apart. i know you only discipline your children. help us remember. help us grow. let our faith not be weakened. only let us grow closer to you. and dont let me be selfish. help me to finally be able to put others before my needs and wants. i hope i will not be bitter when i have to make sacrifices. teach me how to be holy and pleasing in your eyes.
in Jesus holy name, i pray, AMEN.

so amazed at how God works

so these days, i feel like everyone all the time is talking about relationships. not just girls. but boys also. talking about how they want boyfriends or girlfriends and so on. literally everyone. maybe its because its spring time. but i kind of got fed up a little. instead of talking about boys i want to talk about God and the people i love around me. i want to know about them, not about the boys they like. girls and boys, please please realize how precious you are. no one can define your worth. God already created you. you are His child, so you are beautiful. just because a boy or girl doesnt like you doesnt mean anything. you think you met someone amazing and wonderful, then ask God to make you equally amazing and wonderful. let God defend you and tell that person about you. if he really is a man or woman that follows hard after God, he or she will listen. dont think about looks and flirting and games. give God the control. ask him to change you to be ready. ask to glorify Him. and if you meet someone you think is really that person youve been waiting for, dont think about that person. keep your thoughts on God. thank Him for bringing that person into your life, for creating that person. Fall not in love with that person, but with God. all the rest will follow because everything goes according to God's plan and will. love yourself and God first. lets learn do this together. cause i suck at it.

meet joe black

"It nice it happen to you. Like you come to the island and had a holiday. Sun didn't burn you red-red, just brown. You sleep and no mosquito eat you. But the truth is, it bound to happen if you stay long enough. So take that nice picture you got in your head home with you, but don't be fooled. We lonely here mostly too. If we lucky, maybe, we got some nice pictures to take with us."