walking across a parking lot with the ice of your breath creating a haze before you.
alone. always alone in your thoughts where no one will ever reach you.
where only you and God know just how deep the depths of your soul run.
everything seems beautiful, everything so clear. everything new, like you've never seen it before.
the world moves in slow motion before you, behind you, around you.
and suddenly you feel old and burdened and sad.
the moment you realize none of it is real. once you step foot into reality, there's no coming back.
there's quick visits here and there, but nothings ever permanent.
and there's so much beauty in the sadness. so much beauty to behold, as life sinks its claws into you and thrashes away at your imaginary existence.
and you realize the only reason you felt so wonderful, yes, wonderful, that's the word, is because for a moment you fooled yourself. for an unsatisfying and fleeting moment, you pictured yourself as loved. you pictured being the object of someone's affection. an object of endless fantasy. and with every fiber of your being you want to be swept off your feet and head right on out of this world. you want your head to lift up and be greeted by him. yes, you. and it's here. he's finally here. what youve been waiting for. for so long.
Friday, December 26, 2008
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
real talk
i was so ashamed before God.
feeling so guilty that i couldnt even come before him in my sin.
how dare i go in front of him and ask him for grace when i deliberately sinned.
sinned knowing exactly what i was doing, knowing that it was sin.
i felt like it was so hopeless. hopeless.
how wrong i was.
no matter how far i run, no matter how hard i try to hide, no matter how much i sin and cover myself with the world, i cant break myself from my Father. He is there with me and is with me always, guiding me and showering his mercies upon me.
i keep thinking its about me. it's not about me, its not about what i can do. thats what i learned on missions. how could i forget so easily? how could i have so little faith in God, Abba Father, Yahweh, my King?
i feel so weak. i still feel guilty but that's why i need Him. i need him to live, to survive.
today i had the most blessed time with true sisters in Christ. we prayed our hearts out and laid it all before him. God is so present. How can you not feel Him? How can you not love Him?
BECAUSE YOU DONT KNOW HIM. if you knew him you woukd not be able to stand still foolishly. you would be on your knees, humbled and broken. if only you could experience Him.
pursue Him. only good can come out of it, only blessings. SEEK HIM!
jane had a vision. she said she saw me and God and i was a child. i was holding a daisy and holding tightly onto his hand, as a child would hold a father's hand. she said no matter how far i feel away from God, God is right there, right there, holding me close.
i really need to re-evaulate myself. i struggle so much with anger, impatience, and so much jealousy. im so jealous all the time. i lust. i want so much of the things of this world. it's hard for me to love. it's hard for me to really be gentle and kind. its hard for me to be selfless.
but i leave with this...
PRONE TO WANDER LORD I FEEL IT
PRONE TO LEAVE THE GOD I LOVE
HERE'S MY HEART LORD
TAKE AND SEAL IT
SEAL IT FOR THY COURTS ABOVE.
dang God. why are You such an awesome God. If only the people knew of Your goodness and power. we would all be on our knees.
feeling so guilty that i couldnt even come before him in my sin.
how dare i go in front of him and ask him for grace when i deliberately sinned.
sinned knowing exactly what i was doing, knowing that it was sin.
i felt like it was so hopeless. hopeless.
how wrong i was.
no matter how far i run, no matter how hard i try to hide, no matter how much i sin and cover myself with the world, i cant break myself from my Father. He is there with me and is with me always, guiding me and showering his mercies upon me.
i keep thinking its about me. it's not about me, its not about what i can do. thats what i learned on missions. how could i forget so easily? how could i have so little faith in God, Abba Father, Yahweh, my King?
i feel so weak. i still feel guilty but that's why i need Him. i need him to live, to survive.
today i had the most blessed time with true sisters in Christ. we prayed our hearts out and laid it all before him. God is so present. How can you not feel Him? How can you not love Him?
BECAUSE YOU DONT KNOW HIM. if you knew him you woukd not be able to stand still foolishly. you would be on your knees, humbled and broken. if only you could experience Him.
pursue Him. only good can come out of it, only blessings. SEEK HIM!
jane had a vision. she said she saw me and God and i was a child. i was holding a daisy and holding tightly onto his hand, as a child would hold a father's hand. she said no matter how far i feel away from God, God is right there, right there, holding me close.
i really need to re-evaulate myself. i struggle so much with anger, impatience, and so much jealousy. im so jealous all the time. i lust. i want so much of the things of this world. it's hard for me to love. it's hard for me to really be gentle and kind. its hard for me to be selfless.
but i leave with this...
PRONE TO WANDER LORD I FEEL IT
PRONE TO LEAVE THE GOD I LOVE
HERE'S MY HEART LORD
TAKE AND SEAL IT
SEAL IT FOR THY COURTS ABOVE.
dang God. why are You such an awesome God. If only the people knew of Your goodness and power. we would all be on our knees.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
currently in thoughts
Overwhelmed. That about sums it up.
I can't even seem to put it into words like I usually do. Words neatly stacked and compiled with care and consideration. Now someone is covering my mouth and consuming my brain from even thinking about all the things I need to do. I'm too consumed about the future. I lack the perspective of now.
Starting school makes me stressed not because of my classes but because of what I want to do throughout college. I want to do so many things but I don't know if they are aligned with God's will. I know in the end His purpose will prevail but right now I can only think about my purposes. I need direction. I need to take hold of my aspirations as they take control over my mind and body. Should I be thinking more about my future or more about what I want? What does God want from me? I want to be used by Him, but I lack so much.
I want to double major in Communications and English with a concentration in creative writing. I also want to minor in Film. I want to get a new job. I hate my job. I am having a hard time with my new roommate. It's hard to love her. I just want to tell her to get out and find another room. I feel like all my friends are moving ahead and I'm stuck. I feel like they're all leaving me. I feel like I'm always a toy that sparkles at first but loses its shine in the eyes of the beholder rather quickly. I feel like I have nothing to offer. I want to go back to Brazil. I want to be there now. But what if God has another plan? I don't know if I could accept it happily although I trust in Him. I want to work for the UFC. I know, random. If I was just an assistant or those people wearing the earpiece and clipboard I would love it. All these worries. And I know, I know, that the problems lies within me. I know I need to pray. Prayer will save me.
Oh God,
My savior. Lead me to you. Give my strength. Strength that comes from joy in You that is not situational or circumstantial. Give my joy in serving You and loving You. I pray for the willingness to obey and live in obedience to your word. Please, reveal yourself to me. Reveal your glory God. I don't want to be blinded by the world any longer. Please, let me see your light and would it surround me. God I pray for a faith that trusts, hopes, and perseveres only in You. I pray you would give me wisdom and discernment. Mostly, I pray for peace. Peace from anxiousness and the worries of this world. Peace that will calm my soul and my thoughts. Lord, I want to know you more. I want to love you. I want to pursue you. I need you. Would my life be centered on the cross. Would my visions and dreams be aligned with the cross. Would I have a heart willing to lay it all down for you. Simply, I want to bring you glory and praise.
In Jesus' name I pray, AMEN.
I can't even seem to put it into words like I usually do. Words neatly stacked and compiled with care and consideration. Now someone is covering my mouth and consuming my brain from even thinking about all the things I need to do. I'm too consumed about the future. I lack the perspective of now.
Starting school makes me stressed not because of my classes but because of what I want to do throughout college. I want to do so many things but I don't know if they are aligned with God's will. I know in the end His purpose will prevail but right now I can only think about my purposes. I need direction. I need to take hold of my aspirations as they take control over my mind and body. Should I be thinking more about my future or more about what I want? What does God want from me? I want to be used by Him, but I lack so much.
I want to double major in Communications and English with a concentration in creative writing. I also want to minor in Film. I want to get a new job. I hate my job. I am having a hard time with my new roommate. It's hard to love her. I just want to tell her to get out and find another room. I feel like all my friends are moving ahead and I'm stuck. I feel like they're all leaving me. I feel like I'm always a toy that sparkles at first but loses its shine in the eyes of the beholder rather quickly. I feel like I have nothing to offer. I want to go back to Brazil. I want to be there now. But what if God has another plan? I don't know if I could accept it happily although I trust in Him. I want to work for the UFC. I know, random. If I was just an assistant or those people wearing the earpiece and clipboard I would love it. All these worries. And I know, I know, that the problems lies within me. I know I need to pray. Prayer will save me.
Oh God,
My savior. Lead me to you. Give my strength. Strength that comes from joy in You that is not situational or circumstantial. Give my joy in serving You and loving You. I pray for the willingness to obey and live in obedience to your word. Please, reveal yourself to me. Reveal your glory God. I don't want to be blinded by the world any longer. Please, let me see your light and would it surround me. God I pray for a faith that trusts, hopes, and perseveres only in You. I pray you would give me wisdom and discernment. Mostly, I pray for peace. Peace from anxiousness and the worries of this world. Peace that will calm my soul and my thoughts. Lord, I want to know you more. I want to love you. I want to pursue you. I need you. Would my life be centered on the cross. Would my visions and dreams be aligned with the cross. Would I have a heart willing to lay it all down for you. Simply, I want to bring you glory and praise.
In Jesus' name I pray, AMEN.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
identity
the entrance of the three girls changed the whole atmosphere.
i felt frozen in my steps, these three walking towards me. the place suddenly felt unfamiliar.
i dreaded what would have to come next. a fake and awkward encounter of catching up.
it feels like i never left. it feels like ive been stuck here all along.
i thought i left it all behind with the rest of my childhood memories.
tucked away, dust building.
i act normal.
but she suddenly changes into a person i dont recognize.
someone that i wasnt just talking to.
the countenance turns hard.
she turns her back to me and takes a lit cigarette out of the other girl's hand.
she has total control over the situation.
no nerves show. confidence screams out of her stance.
she inhales.
and its over.
the transformation is complete.
yet it is over before it even started.
changed and back in the blink of an eye.
why do i not have a rebellious bone in my body?
it doesnt seem normal.
i felt frozen in my steps, these three walking towards me. the place suddenly felt unfamiliar.
i dreaded what would have to come next. a fake and awkward encounter of catching up.
it feels like i never left. it feels like ive been stuck here all along.
i thought i left it all behind with the rest of my childhood memories.
tucked away, dust building.
i act normal.
but she suddenly changes into a person i dont recognize.
someone that i wasnt just talking to.
the countenance turns hard.
she turns her back to me and takes a lit cigarette out of the other girl's hand.
she has total control over the situation.
no nerves show. confidence screams out of her stance.
she inhales.
and its over.
the transformation is complete.
yet it is over before it even started.
changed and back in the blink of an eye.
why do i not have a rebellious bone in my body?
it doesnt seem normal.
Friday, June 13, 2008
Prayer
Lord, hear my cries. my heart grieves Lord, more than ever before. help me to trust in you and your power. let me be faithful. i want to trust in your will and know that you are always in control. no matter how much my family suffers Lord please allow us not to stray away but grow faithfully in you. Give us wisdom and understanding. Let us truly love each other and be devoted to it. even when the other seems impossible to love, please help us pursue. we need you so badly Lord. we ache for you and your comfort. I know you have a plan. would your will be fulfilled and would you be glorified. let us honor you as one. there is a reason for all of us. i know you hear us i know you hear our pains. please take the hurt away. let him know how amazing your love is. please show your grace and mercy upon us. please help me not to cry anymore. help me to have a backbone and be wise when i speak to him. shine your light upon me. give me strength. As you have commanded in your word, i want to be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer. Humble both of them. please please humble them. take away the hurt in their hearts, make the anger disappear. would we learn to love as you have wanted us to love. please let us glorify you and honor you as children and parents. i know that this trial may go on for years and im afraid. i dont want it to. i want this all to go away. i dont want to hurt anymore. but i know you and i know you reign over all. so please, let me trust in you. guide me. keep anger and resentment away from my heart. you are so good God. you have been extremely good to our family. continue to bless us. please please give us wisdom. give me wisdom and help me to know how to deal with this and how to talk to him. Holy Spirit, work in his heart. open his eyes. as a family, i beg you, please dont let our faith fall apart. i know you only discipline your children. help us remember. help us grow. let our faith not be weakened. only let us grow closer to you. and dont let me be selfish. help me to finally be able to put others before my needs and wants. i hope i will not be bitter when i have to make sacrifices. teach me how to be holy and pleasing in your eyes.
in Jesus holy name, i pray, AMEN.
in Jesus holy name, i pray, AMEN.
so amazed at how God works
so these days, i feel like everyone all the time is talking about relationships. not just girls. but boys also. talking about how they want boyfriends or girlfriends and so on. literally everyone. maybe its because its spring time. but i kind of got fed up a little. instead of talking about boys i want to talk about God and the people i love around me. i want to know about them, not about the boys they like. girls and boys, please please realize how precious you are. no one can define your worth. God already created you. you are His child, so you are beautiful. just because a boy or girl doesnt like you doesnt mean anything. you think you met someone amazing and wonderful, then ask God to make you equally amazing and wonderful. let God defend you and tell that person about you. if he really is a man or woman that follows hard after God, he or she will listen. dont think about looks and flirting and games. give God the control. ask him to change you to be ready. ask to glorify Him. and if you meet someone you think is really that person youve been waiting for, dont think about that person. keep your thoughts on God. thank Him for bringing that person into your life, for creating that person. Fall not in love with that person, but with God. all the rest will follow because everything goes according to God's plan and will. love yourself and God first. lets learn do this together. cause i suck at it.
meet joe black
"It nice it happen to you. Like you come to the island and had a holiday. Sun didn't burn you red-red, just brown. You sleep and no mosquito eat you. But the truth is, it bound to happen if you stay long enough. So take that nice picture you got in your head home with you, but don't be fooled. We lonely here mostly too. If we lucky, maybe, we got some nice pictures to take with us."
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