real talk

i was so ashamed before God.
feeling so guilty that i couldnt even come before him in my sin.
how dare i go in front of him and ask him for grace when i deliberately sinned.
sinned knowing exactly what i was doing, knowing that it was sin.
i felt like it was so hopeless. hopeless.

how wrong i was.
no matter how far i run, no matter how hard i try to hide, no matter how much i sin and cover myself with the world, i cant break myself from my Father. He is there with me and is with me always, guiding me and showering his mercies upon me.
i keep thinking its about me. it's not about me, its not about what i can do. thats what i learned on missions. how could i forget so easily? how could i have so little faith in God, Abba Father, Yahweh, my King?
i feel so weak. i still feel guilty but that's why i need Him. i need him to live, to survive.

today i had the most blessed time with true sisters in Christ. we prayed our hearts out and laid it all before him. God is so present. How can you not feel Him? How can you not love Him?
BECAUSE YOU DONT KNOW HIM. if you knew him you woukd not be able to stand still foolishly. you would be on your knees, humbled and broken. if only you could experience Him.
pursue Him. only good can come out of it, only blessings. SEEK HIM!

jane had a vision. she said she saw me and God and i was a child. i was holding a daisy and holding tightly onto his hand, as a child would hold a father's hand. she said no matter how far i feel away from God, God is right there, right there, holding me close.

i really need to re-evaulate myself. i struggle so much with anger, impatience, and so much jealousy. im so jealous all the time. i lust. i want so much of the things of this world. it's hard for me to love. it's hard for me to really be gentle and kind. its hard for me to be selfless.

but i leave with this...

PRONE TO WANDER LORD I FEEL IT
PRONE TO LEAVE THE GOD I LOVE
HERE'S MY HEART LORD
TAKE AND SEAL IT
SEAL IT FOR THY COURTS ABOVE.

dang God. why are You such an awesome God. If only the people knew of Your goodness and power. we would all be on our knees.